Lust for Gollum
by pink hardcore
Summary: Poor poor Legolas. Seriously, let's all sit down and cry. After the release of TTT, Gollum gets all the attention that Legolas used to get. No more Fangirls for Legolas. Will Legolas stop this 'horror? R&R. Bad grammar, but will be re-written.
1. Gollum finds out what love is

A/N: Okay, I know Gollum dies and all but for my fic, he's allive, harharhar! Try to stop me, 'cause you can't!! This first chapter is kinda gross, or so some of my friends think. Don't read if you can't find humor in this sort of stuff...  
  
Chapter 1: Prologue  
  
One day Gollum was killing some fishes inside the Misty Mountains when he heard a loud squeal.  
  
"OHMYGOOOOOD! IT'S HIM!! IT'S GOLLUM!!"  
  
Gollum coverred his ears with his hands, who had the nerve to just burst in here, screaming his name? Maybe it was something eatable, he thought and so he went coming closer to where the loud screams came from.  
  
"EEEK! HE'S COMING CLOSER!! IS MY HAIR OKAY?"  
  
"MORE IMPORTANT, IS MY HAIR OKAY, AND WHAT ABOUT MY MAKE-UP?? OH.. MY.. GOD!!!"  
  
As the two sounds weren't similliar, Gollum knew that it were two creatures.  
  
"What are they, my precious?," He asked,"Not some darn hobbitssses, my precious? We don't know"  
  
"Oh My GOD! Like, well, we used to be Elfs but now Legolas isn't popular anymore, we kinda are, like Hobbits, yeah. But all because you used to be one."  
  
Gollum stared at the hot hobbit girl, who had blond hair, but her hair started brown. How odd, he thought.  
  
"Whatss are they doing here, my precious? We don't like them, do we, my precious?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious, Gollum? We are here because you're freakin' popular. Like, we were watching the Two Towers when all of a sudden there was this big flash thingie, and we, like, were in The Misty Mountains. Yay!"  
  
Gollum eyed the other girl carefully. She was blond too, and her hair started out black, but went down all blond. These girls were strange!  
  
"Go away! We don't want you here. Go away, before we eatsss you."  
  
The two girls giggled.  
  
"You can't eat us, silly, 'cause in a couple of minits you'll fall for one of us, and the other will find some other, Legolas or something,he's not that popular at all, but better then nothing. Then, the one you choose and you, will live happily ever after."  
  
Gollum didn't knew what to say, instead he crawled around them in a circle, and started spitting at them. Then, all of a sudden Gollum felt a weird feeling inside of him, was it, love? He often heard his grandma talk about it when he was way younger. Did it happen to him, now? He felt attracted to the left girl, he didn't know a thing about her, all he knew, was that she was so beautiful, he wanted to put his lips against hers. The left girl looked at the girl on the right.(for Gollum that is)  
  
"Sorry, Tiff, looks like he's mine."  
  
The girl named Tiff mumbled something that looked like 'crap' and left. No, she wasn't harmed by any Orcs or evil creatures living there, instead, she just walked on out the Misty mountains even though it was as dark as hell. She planned to pay a visit to Mirkwood, and meet a certain Elf, named *drumroll* Legolas. Afcourse, he wasn't the most wanted anymore, but hey, if you can't get the man you want, go for someone lesser.  
  
Meanwhile, inside the Misty mountains, the Gollum/blond babe scene continued.  
  
"Oh Gollum," she said, and it sounded as music to Gollum's ears "I"m so cold, could you warm me up, sweety?"  
  
Gollum didn't know what to do. He felt this sudden urge to protect her, and he wanted so badly to put his arms around her. But he never touched another being like that, and he was scarred he was new to this sort of feeling. He touched her skin with one finger first, and it felt like the softest silk.  
  
"Oh baby that felt so good," the girl said.  
  
Gollum turned to her so he could see her face. She looked at him, with a glint of hope in her eyes. If he could just kiss her, she had reached her goal. Gollum's face inched closer to hers, and the girl closed her eyes...  
  
A/N: Ok, that's enough. This fic is rated PG-13 so imagine the rest if you want. The girls are bleached blond bimbo's, if you didn't understand. This is kinda parody-ish on the Mary Sue's now days, and more chapters are following. Hit that review button and tell me what you think. 


	2. Legolas is a real prick

A/N: Damn, I haven't updated for ages! It has been a while. But have no fear, I'm back, whether you like to or not. And just so you'd know, I'm aware of the fact that the Elves have left M-E but in my story Mirkwood still exists with Elves. Eat me! Or even better, read and review. And no, I do not hate Legolas I'm just playing around. But do flame, if you feel like it.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, nor Middle Earth. It all belongs to Tolkien. Please be aware that this story is meant to be funny in a strange way. I have a strange sense of humor and I do not mean to offend people. Be warned!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Legolas was comfortably sitting in his chair, thinking of the old days. He was kind of bored, since there were no girls bugging him lately. The last potential one, didn't even ran screaming and jumped on his back, no, she just walked right past him. He wasn't one to admit easily, but it had burned his ego badly.  
Of course, they were annoying, but they commented him on his beautiful hair, which was perfectly true.   
His father, Thranduil joked about it and said that Legolas was becoming fat and bald. As soon as the words had left his father's mouth he was off washing his hair with Herbal Essence. It worked and his hair was to it's normal self again.  
He also tried to eat more vegetables instead of pastry and cake, and his weight was normal, too. Then why weren't there any girls stalking him? They weren't even lurking around anymore.  
Maybe they were after Frodo, the last time they had talked Frodo had said something about girls camping in his backyard.   
No! He wouldn't believe it. 'Orlando' as they'd call him, was just as sexy as he used to be. No doubt about it.  
Maybe Faramir had killed them, he always used to be the jealous one. But he married Eowyn, the bastard was settled.  
Whatever happened, Legolas should be happy. How many times had he asked for mercy, for the girls to just vanish? And now they did, he was whining too.  
'Oh what the hell', he thought. 'Why don't I go walking around in Mirkwood aimlessly today, my favourite thing to do'.  
Things were boring ever since Gimli left. The horny bastard had chose Galadriël over Legolas and had left Middle-Earth. (A/N This is just for my story so sit down!)  
Legolas grabbed his bow, checked his braids in the mirror, checked it again, and again, etc. and then decided to finally leave because his hair was fine. Wasn't it? He checked it for the final time while practicing his sexy stare just in case some girl would show up.  
He finally left, winking one last time in the mirror. He skipped breakfast because he was gaining some weight lately. He grabbed some crackers and he was off, discovering Mirkwood.  
  
Meanwhile, our dumped Mary Sue aka Fangirl aka Tiff was lurking around in Mirkwood. 'Where could that silly little Elf be?', she thought to herself.   
Instead of being a Hobbit, she was now magicly transformed into an Elf. How come, you ask? Well, there is no logical explanation. *shudder*. If you know what Mary Sues are than you know that they can do anything.  
Back to our story. As Tiff was lurking around, she was sensing that Legolas was around.  
'Why am I even trying? Gollum is much more hotter, like, no one is gonna care that I, like, seduced him'.  
All of a sudden she felt teary. But Legolas was closing in on her. What to do? She decided that she'd just let her emotions go. She sat down on a rock, and, well, let all her frustrations out.  
  
Legolas heard a maid crying. 'Hey, maybe if I save that maid, the girls will be all over me again!' he cheekily smiled. He couldn't help thinking this way, it was just that his ego got a hold of him sometimes. Okay, practicly every time but that doesn't matter.   
He approached the crying almost screaming girl, and posed like he did every time he saved someone.  
  
"Fear not my Lady, as I am here to protect the weak and innocent. I will not let anything harm you.."  
  
It seemed like his pickup line wasn't working.  
  
"I don't even care anymore! You are like, so not hip! All the other girls will be laughing once they hear I did you! Everybody did you *sob*."  
  
Legolas couldn't believe his ears.  
  
"What.. what do you mean?"  
  
He had to nudge her before she even responded, she was weeping with self-pity.  
  
"Like I said.. Sniffle.. You are old, finished, finito! Done and done! Like..."  
  
"I get your point", Legolas abruptly interupted, "Now what's the real deal? Who is your next victim?"  
  
"Like, hello! Who doesn't know? Gollum is soooo hot nowdays. But of course, he picked Sandy. Like, Sandy always wins. She won Frodo, too! It's just not fair! Sniffle.."   
  
And then she cried her eyes out again.  
  
Legolas was hurt by this news. So the monster Gollum was getting all the fangirls huh? He'd show him!  
  
"What am I gonna do now?", Tiff sobbed.  
  
"You can stay in one of our guest rooms, as long as you promise me this.", Legolas demanded.  
  
"Like, what?", Tiff asked innocently.  
  
"Promise me, that we'll get rid of Sandy. AND Gollum. That way, I'll be 'hot' again, I'll do you so you'll be cool, and I'll be getting all the girls again!"  
  
Tiff nodded evilly.   
And so, the day ended with an evil plan, made by Legolas.  
  
To be.... Continued!  
  
A/N: So Legolas is a jerk in my story, but don't worry. It's a parody and those are meant to portray the character diffrently. By the way, Faramir will be showing up in next chapters and so will Gollum, so stay tuned! 


	3. Like father, like son

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. They are my reason to write so keep them coming! By the way, sorry for the grammar but english isn't my first language so cut me some slack will ya?  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, basic rules. I do own Tiff and Sandy though.  
  
WARNING: Lame and strange sense of humor. Don't read if you don't like!  
  
Chapter 3  
  
The next morning, Legolas was awoken by the chirping sound of birds. He thought of this as a pretty normal morning, but boy, was he wrong! *evil grin*  
After fixing himself up, and washing his hair with Herbal Essence of course, he sat on his bed to plan his day.  
He decided that he should have breakfast today, otherwise there would be rumors going around, after all, it had been a while.  
But how stupid of Legolas to forget Tiff! He would wake her up as soon as possible. He went to one of the guestrooms, the one where Tiff slept. He knocked on the door and was greeted by Tiff in one of her silk, none-covering... Things.   
  
"Buhbahlishgebab..", Legolas stuttered.  
  
"Oh, like, you want me to have breakfast with you? Like, sure!"  
  
Legolas was confused. How was she able to figure that out?  
  
Tiff giggled. "I can read your mind silly! But, like, come on in, you can wait."  
  
Legolas stepped into the room and had a look around. All the walls were plastered with Gollum posters. He snorted.   
He could remember a while back when he used to take girls to his kingdom, and the walls were plastered with his handsome face.  
  
"But that is like, so long ago!", Tiff commented, while searching for clothes in her closet. She had her back against Legolas.  
  
"Listen, girlfriend, you can talk whenever something is directed to you...", he stopped, suddenly.  
  
The thing is, Tiff turned around and she still wore her tiny-tiny silky thing.  
  
"Blahsgebarnuvelicia", said Legolas.  
  
She giggled again.  
  
Legolas sighed and checked the walls again while balling his fists. As he turned to look at Tiff she was now magicly transformed into a golden haired Elf, with ice blue eyes, and a pink dress.  
  
"Blendieglafieranster..", said Legolas.  
  
"I know I'm beautiful. But I do wish it was like, Gollum lusting after me. And not you, you're like, over and done.."  
  
"AAAAAAAH!", Legolas screamed "I get your point already. Just, let's not go there.."  
  
Tiff giggled, again. Her giggle worked on Legolas' nerves.  
  
"Let's just go and have breakfast", Legolas used his hands to overreact his gesture.  
  
"Sure! I'd like, love to meet your dad."  
  
Legolas smacked himself on his face, he could already picture a scene with his dad and Tiff. It had happened before, that he'd take a Fangirl home, and his dad always had his ways in playing them.  
  
They went to the eatingroom, and the seat next to king Thranduil was empty. Legolas could already see his dad with his evil grin.   
  
"Well hello there son, what have you brought with you? She looks mighty fine to me, I'd say!"  
  
"She's just a friend, father...", Legolas said.  
  
"Like, duh! I wouldn't do him for nothing!", Tiff said.  
  
King Thranduil laughed, "You're absolutely right! Don't you think he's gaining weight too?"  
  
"You see, I, like, don't really care. He's shit anyway."  
  
King Thranduil let out a big laugh again. "I like your attitude. Why don't you come and sit next to me, Legolas can sit with the maidens and guards. Like you said, he's shit anyway, harharhar!"   
  
Legolas felt insulted. Why should he, a prince not to forget, sit with the Elfs who are 'lesser' than he? But he did as his father said, he didn't want to disobey him.  
  
"Al right father...", Legolas said, defeated.  
  
He went to sit next to these maids who couldn't stop talking.   
  
"No change there", he thought to himself, as Tiff was one to talk too.  
  
He took a quick peek at Tiff and his father and it seemed they were having the time of their life. Of course, Tiff was one hell of a joker, she was after all, perfect. He envied her.  
He decided to have some crackers, as his father commented on his weight again.   
  
Breakfast was hell for Legolas, and after they were finished, he mockingly grabbed Tiff's arm, and dragged her to his room.   
  
"Like, Legolas, as I told you, I, like, don't want you! Now get off of me before I scream rape!"  
  
"I dragged you out of that room before you'd make another scene with my father. Now you wanna hear the plan or not?", He asked.  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Okay. Basic plan: we'll head for the misty mountains, find that monster of a Gollum, and slay his head off. Mwuahahahahahaha!", said Legolas.  
  
"Uhl, gross! As long as you, like, do the slaying.", she said.  
  
"Gladly...", Legolas mumbled, and it seemed he drifted of into his own world, fighting the evil creature Gollum.  
  
And so they were off for their great adventure. They decided to take two horses as that way they were quicker.   
  
"Legolaaaaas", Tiff whined.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Are you sure you can defeat Gollum? Like, I'm sure Sandy would do whatever it takes to, like, save Gollum. You, like, won't stand a chance since she's kinda invincible."  
  
Legolas cursed silently. He hadn't thought about that yet.  
  
"Maybe you could help me defeat Sandy?"  
  
"Like, hell no! Like I told you, she's waaaaay stronger than me. Can't help you there, sorry. Her perfectness, is like, more perfect than mine."  
  
'That didn't made any sense', Legolas thought to himself.  
  
Tiff eyed him evilly.   
  
'Of course', Legolas thought again 'she can read my mind.'  
  
"I didn't want to do this, but.. I'm affraid we'll have to ask Faramir to help us. Maybe the two of us can defeat Sandy."  
  
Tiff sighed. "But then he'll be like, all over me."  
  
"Oh don't worry about that. He's got Eowyn now."  
  
"I hope so..", Tiff said dramaticly.  
  
And so they were off to Faramir.  
  
To be.... Continued.  
  
(A/N: Review!! I know, this chapter wasn't that good, but the next one will be better, hopefully. More humor there. But I wanted to have a dramatic background for Legolas, as I've read those before about his father neglecting him too. I know, stupid. Anyway, stay tuned!) 


	4. Danger occures

A/N: Again, a new chapter. Thanks for the reviews, they lighten up my day. Flames are more than welcome too, if you feel like it. And the characters are diffrent from who they are in the book/movie, but keep in mind it's a parody! So don't read if you don't like that sort of stuff.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters nor Middle-Earth. I do own Tiff and Sandy.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Legolas and Tiff were riding on their beautiful golden horses, while the wind was playing with their hair. Tiff's golden locks were dancing in the wind. Legolas wished he was as perfect as Tiff, in a way he was perfect, but he wasn't blessed with those golden locks. His hair was dancing in the wind though, and he was enjoying that. Tiff was leading, as she was far more advanced than Legolas. She whistled to have Legolas' attention, and motioned for him to stop. Legolas followed Tiff to where she stopped, she rode of the road and stopped in the middle of the forest.  
  
They both stepped off their horses and stood next to them. Tiff looked rather worried.  
  
'That's odd', Legolas thought 'I've never seen a Fangirl worried. They are too stupid to be worried..'  
  
"Like, Legolas", she began "I'm like, worried. I sense danger, like, real evil danger. If we're being followed by, like, what I think, we're in like, great danger."  
  
'Geez, can you say any more 'like' in a sentence?' Legolas thought.  
  
"What do you mean..", he asked.  
  
Tiff felt a shiver running down her spine.  
  
"They're called the.... the... the.....the.....the.....the...."  
  
"Woman, will you spill it already!", Legolas demanded, while looking at her firmly.  
  
"The Pink Riders."  
  
There was a loud squeal and Legolas winced.  
  
"What was that?", he asked.  
  
"The... the... the...", she stuttered.  
  
"The Pink Riders. Is that so hard to say?", he asked.  
  
Tiff's upper lip started to tremble. She became teary eyed again.  
  
"Oh please. Don't do this now! What if they hear us? You're gonna get us killed!", Legolas said raising his voice.  
  
She started to cry loudly. Legolas saw no other oppurtunity, and hit her against her head. She became uncuncious.  
  
How come, you ask? There is a logical explanation. Tiff was so frightened by the Pink Riders, that she didn't focus on Legolas. That way, Legolas could've took her out. Back to the story.  
  
Legolas could hear loud screams all around him. What to do? Tiff was laying there, and he had a creeping feeling that sent shivers down his spine. He had no other choice but to send the horses back to Mirkwood, he whispered something elfish and the horses listened.  
  
"Good luck, my friends", Legolas whispered as they ran further away.  
  
He was alone now, with Tiff, but our brave Legolas didn't want to endanger the horses. Legolas is such a hero.  
  
He was enjoying his heroic deed, but then the screams became louder. He saw a shade of pink flowing through the trees which weren't that far away from where he was. He had to do something, if Tiff was affraid of those creatures they probably were invincible. Legolas, as much as he tried to deny it, surely wasn't.  
  
He took Tiff into his 'strong' hands but his vision was limited as her head was right in front of his eyes. He tried to remove her head, but her head would just bop back. Legolas let out a sigh of frustration. He decided to flip her body right over his shoulder, and when his elfish vision was back to normal again, he screamed his longs out.  
  
Right in front of him were three riders dressed in pink, they smelled like 'Glow' the perfume by J Lo.  
  
"Like, give us the traitor!", one demanded.  
  
Her voice was raspy and Legolas was sure that he didn't want to see what was under their caps.  
  
"Tell me who you are, first!"  
  
Legolas was surprised by his own braveness. He was thinking how cool he'd be if he'd come home and told the story to his fellow brothers in Mirkwood. With a few twists, of course.  
  
He was greeted by a card which was directed to his head. His Elfish reflections were quick, and he catched it with his left hand. On the card, there was written with pink inkt saying:  
  
The Pink Riders  
  
We're the servants of the first, most powerfull Mary Sue.  
  
We were created by her to destroy traitors and creatures that are getting in her way.  
  
If you have questions please go to  
  
www.thepinkriders.com  
  
or email: werelikesoincredible@pinkriders.com  
  
"Well, that explains it.", Legolas said to no one in particular.  
  
He heard a sharp noise and the pink riders had drawn their swords.  
  
The one with the raspy voice spoke up again.  
  
"If you want to live, I suggest you hand us over the traitor and go home."  
  
But Legolas wouldn't give in! He would stand up for where he believed in, he certainly deserved to have Fangirls for himself.  
  
"No. If you want her, than come and claim her!"  
  
"Very original, dork!" another rider covered in pink said.  
  
"Fine. We'll kill you now, then.", the leader spoke.  
  
Legolas had only one chance, he should run, run his ass off. And so, he did. He was athlethic and quite proud of it I might add, so he was fast, but not as fast as the prink riders's horses. They gained in on him rather quick, and Legolas turned his head to the side to be greeted by one of those pink riders.  
  
Then all of a sudden, he was greeted by a great pain in his head. He fell, and saw little stars bouncing around, almost dancing. Hope was far, as Legolas only had eyes for the stars, and it soon became dark...  
  
Legolas was defeated... Or not.. I don't know (ok I'm lying but whatever) so be sure to checkout the next chapter!  
  
REVIEW!!! 


	5. Just like the old days

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, again! They keep me going. I guess I'm addicted. To answer Intoxicated Wench's question: She's a trator for wanting to kill Gollum and Mary Sue. But you'll find out soon enough why it's because of this Mary Sue.. Just for the record: I do not hate the Legolas in the book, not even the movie, but I do hate him in those Mary Sues and in a lot of stories on FF.net. He isn't my favorite character in the book either, but I don't hate him. There, that's settled. And no, I don't hate Faramir either. In the book, he's one of my fave characters but in the movie he just plainly sucks. But I'm just playing around. Anyway, keep on reading I know you wanna know if Legolas was defeated or not.. Go ahead, read!  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Legolas was dizzy and awoke by a loud burp. "Where am I.. Who was that.. The stench!", he said quietly.  
  
He heard someone's laughter, it began annoyingly soft, and it went all the way up untill it almost blasted Legolas's ear. Almost, you Legolas haters!  
  
"Legolas my friend, I'm surprised you don't recognize this place. You haven't been here before but you should've known it was me because of the burp."  
  
"Nooooo! It cannot be you, Sauron! We defeated you way back and Frodo told you to shove that Ring up your ass!"  
  
"Would you shut up already? Geez, I'm not Sauron. He died, dumbass. I'm much more dangerous, I'm.... *drumroll* Faramir. You are delirious."  
  
"Faramir? Is it you? My old friend!" Legolas opened his eyes and he was in a room decorated in babyblue, with 'Estel' written all over the place. Right in front of him sat Faramir. "Do you like it? Eowyn decorated it." Legolas gave a small nodd.  
  
Faramir hadn't shaved for a long time, in fact, he was growing a beard. Legolas thought he looked even uglier than he used to look.  
  
"You know, Legolas, I missed you guys. Ever since Aragorn has become king things have become boring. But now, you burst in here and my senses are telling me you're in for an adventure. So what is it you want, you old bastard!"  
  
"Faramir, have you talked to Tiff?", Legolas said, while eyeing him suspiciously.  
  
"Well..."  
  
"And has she told you everything?"  
  
"Well... Sorta. But that doesn't matter! All that matters is that we'll be destroying those Fangirls like they never existed. I'm with you there buddy, one was stalking Eowyn a while ago. Ugh, they are so annoying."  
  
Faramir kept on ranting and Legolas thought 'jelous much?' All of a sudden there was a big flash light and the author apeared. "You're one to talk!", she blurted out. "Am not!" "You are!" "Am not!", Legolas whined. Faramir was still ranting and didn't even see those two fighting.  
  
"Now shut up Legolas, or I'll turn you into a toad!"  
  
"What are you, a Fangirl?", Legolas asked.  
  
Farmir suddenly became aware of the scene and gasped. He covered Legolas's mouth with his hand and mumbled honorfull. "Sir Legolas is sorry, he won't be a prick next time." She seemed unpleased by this. "I want to hear him say it. Now, or else." 'hahahahaha', thought Legolas, but he did as he was told, because Faramir was quite.. smelly. Faramir released his grip and Legolas mumbled "Sorry.."  
  
"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?", the author asked.  
  
"No my Lady", answered the horrified Faramir. She disappeared just as soon as she came.  
  
"Who was that?", Legolas asked, puzzled.  
  
"Quiet, she can hear you. She's the author of this story and she can do whatever she likes to you. Now shut up about it, will you?"  
  
"Fangirls, authors, Pink Riders, what's next? A horde of flying donkeys wanting to rape me?"  
  
"Legolas, you fool. Do not mock the Author. Now shut up I tell you!"  
  
"Fine", he said, while folding his arms.  
  
"Oh"said Legolas, "I forgot to ask, how did I come here? Where are the Pink Riders?"  
  
"Eowyn was bored, erm, yeah, she was really bored, we certainly didn't had an argument involving my alcohol problem. No she wanted to go, erm, fishing! Yeah that's right, she went fishing. The Pink Riders dropped you at this pool to phone their boss, their telepatic powers were suddenly gone, I don't know why. Anyway, she freed you and when Tiff woke up she orbed you to this place."  
  
"What kind of thing is orbing?"  
  
"Don't you ever watch Charmed on the TV? You do watch Star Trek, do you? It's a sort of 'Beam me up, Scottie' thing but the diffrence is, Scottie doesn't beam you up!" Faramir thought this was extremely funny and couldn't stop cracking up.  
  
"Do you live in another dimension or something? What is a TV?" Faramir let out a sigh of frustration. "Never mind.. You're hopeless."  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"YOU ARE NOW SHUT UP", a loud voice yelled. There was a moment of silence untill Faramir spoke up again  
  
"That was the Author. Now stop being annoying, alright?"  
  
Legolas wanted to protest but all he could say was "Gulp."  
  
Eowyn stood in the doorframe "Faramir, sweetie, can I talk to you for a second?", she asked sweetly.  
  
"Well sure pumpkin." Faramir hopped to his wife and kissed her forehead. While he turned around to give a thumbs up to Legolas, Eowyn made a mocking face and tried to wipe the scent of him from her forehead. She was mad, Legolas could tell.  
  
She closed the door with the aim to prevent Legolas from listening. Tough luck though, Legolas could hear everything.  
  
"Faramir, I found a couple of beer cans in our room. What were they doing there? I thought I told you to stop."  
  
"Yeah, sure. Whatever. I'll never do it again."  
  
"Good. Otherwise you'd wish you were never born."  
  
"But pumpkin, I love you, you know that don't you?"  
  
"I guess. But you don't really show it. *sniffle*.  
  
"Aww, baby. How about tonight, I'll show you exactly how much.."  
  
Legolas covered his ears and sang 'lalala, I can't hear you!' Thruth to be told, he couldn't accept the fact that Faramir had a girl and he didn't. He spend doing this for over 10 minits untill Eowyn came in and greeted Legolas. They had some small talk, and Legolas asked  
  
"Pardon me Eowyn, but why do you have 'Estel' written all over the place? Doesn't Faramir know it's Aragorn?"  
  
Eowyn sniggered. "A while ago, one of the maids made a bet with me. If I was able to write 'Estel' all over the place and Faramir wouldn't know, she would give me all her money. I won, of course. If Faramir ever knows it means Aragorn, I'll just simply say I'm honoring the king."  
  
"Good thinking!", commented Legolas. "Now Legolas, I'm sure you want to talk to your companion Tiff. She's in the room next door. You're not fully healed so be carefull. I'll escort you to her room."  
  
"You're wrong there Eowyn, I can walk to her room without your help, see!", Legolas stood up and walked to Eowyn without any problems.  
  
"Now, the room is next door, you said?" But then Legolas felt he was becoming pretty dizzy and the stars started dancing around him again.  
  
"Don't.. feel.. so good..", he said, and he fell down with a loud thud.  
  
"Stupid Legolas", said Eowyn, while dragging him to Tiff's room. She sat him down in a comfortable chair. Tiff was reading a *gasp* book! It was called "How to become sexy", but still, she was reading which was a big progress.  
  
"Tiff, here is your companion. I pressume you want to be left alone. I'll send Faramir in as soon as possible. Goodbye!", said Eowyn and she closed the door softly.  
  
It took a while before Legolas opened his eyes and was back to his normal, braggy self.  
  
"Hi there Tiff. So, what's the plan?"  
  
"I like, thought, you had a plan." The was an awkward silence, but then Legolas spoke up again.  
  
"Okay, here's the deal. We'll ride to the Misty Mountains with Faramir. We'll try to avoid those Pink Riders and the Author as much as possible. When we reach the Misty Mountains, we'll find Gollum and kill him. I just haven't figured out yet how to distract Sandy."  
  
"Hey, Legolas, like I'm a shapeshifter also! Maybe I could like, shapeshift into Gollum!"  
  
"Excellent idea, Tiff. Now all we have to do is to wait untill Faramir arrives.." After several minutes of waiting and fighting over who is sexier, Faramir bursted into the room.  
  
"Hey there fellas, sorry I'm late. This is so exciting! We now have a Fellowship of three. I can be just like my big brother Boromir, and everyone will be so proud."  
  
"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, here is the plan. We'll ride to the Misty Mountains, kill Gollum while Tiff distracts Sandy shapeshifting into Gollum.", explained Legolas.  
  
"Fine by me, Leggy old buddy."  
  
"I thought I told you to never call me that again."  
  
"Sorry... Leggy!"  
  
"Stop that!"  
  
"Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy, Leggy!"  
  
"You do know what I'm going to do to you now, right?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Boromir rules! Faramir sucks! Boromir rules! Faramir sucks! Boromir rules! Faramir sucks! Boromir rules! Faramir sucks! Boromir rules! Faramir sucks!", Legolas sang while Faramir was screaming Leggy, Leggy non-stop.  
  
"Stop it! Like, you're being, like, really annoying!" It was a madhouse, those three were screaming constantly without stopping. They heard two gunshots and the abruptly stopped.  
  
"What was that?", asked Legolas.  
  
"I don't know but let's stop.. I think it's the Author, you know", Faramir said, again horrified.  
  
"Let's go then.", suggested Legolas.  
  
So they were off for their big adventure.  
  
Will Legolas be slaughtered or not? You wanna know right? Then be sure to checkout the next chapter.  
  
REVIEW!! 


	6. The journey continues

Chapter 6  
  
A/N: Whoops. Forgot about this story for a while. But fear not, for I am back! You didn't honestly think I would stop did you? I will never stop. Too bad, huh? I just really need to finish this story for my own satisfaction. Flames are welcome, and my grammar sucks, but English isn't my first language as I've already told. There, now read and review damnit!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Tiff and Sandy.  
  
WARNING: Strange sense of humor. But I guess you've already figured that out while reading this story.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
They went by foot, they wanted to keep a low profile plus they were all stupid. I mean Tiff, Legolas and Faramir, what did you expact? Tiff was getting even more tired as the time passed by. She felt weary and drained, which was quite of a problem since she had to be strong. She didn't know it yet, but Legolas and Faramir both secretly concluded that it was Tiff's job to destroy Sandy. As they walked and walked, and walked, all was silent. Faramir thought this was his chance to do what fellowships always do, in his eyes.  
  
Sing.  
  
"When the sun was burning hot  
  
she was such a hot fool  
  
My name is Faramir  
  
When I see Eowyn I drool  
  
Sometimes, I feel scared  
  
as though unworthy  
  
For my wife is fucking sexy  
  
And I am ugly and kind of dirty  
  
Tralala...Lalala....", Faramir sung. It seemed he was off in his own little world, but he was interrupted by Legolas.  
  
"Stop that immediately! How my ears hurt. What was that piece of sh*t! It didn't made any sense, nor was it pleasent to hear, as I've already mentioned.", he whined.  
  
"What? That, Legolas, was pure poetry my friend. I wrote it myself. When this journey is finished I wish to write a book with all current events. I will not mention you if you won't shut up!"  
  
"Like I need an appearance in your book. I am already legendary!"  
  
Suddenly there was a loud bang. All three of them looked scared and Faramir clinged to Legolas while Tiff softly giggled.  
  
"What happened?", asked a terrified Legolas.  
  
Suddenly they all heard a loud voice. "YOUR EGO JUST EXPLODED.", it said. It was obviously the author.  
  
"But how can that be? I thought that could never happen, I have my insecurities! Well, not really but you know what I mean!", he yelled back, desperately waiting for an answer.  
  
But he got no answer.  
  
Sadness filled his heart, while Faramir and Tiff both laughed at him.  
  
"Saddistic creatures!", he said to them.  
  
"Legolas", said Faramir between laughter "you should know that you're one to talk! I mean, you're always so arrogant. It's like people don't even matter because you're the king. And you should know by now that Elvis is the king. If you ask me, I think the fangirls not wanting you is sort of a reality check. You need to learn that we're all equal."  
  
"Wow, that was so.. Inspiring", said Legolas. For a moment he thought about it. It was in a way, true.  
  
"But guys, I must go on. I can get over the fact that I'm not the most popular guy anymore - eventually. Probably. Ok, maybe. But these fangirls are evil. I must send them back to where they came from."  
  
"But.. Legolas, like, you promised me that you'd do me so I'd be cool! If I get send back, then.. Like, they'll hate me for, like, helping you!"  
  
"It must be this way, it was meant to be.. I'm sure that in your world there are a lot of other 'hotties'. Besides, if I can't get you all, no one will. At least not in this world."  
  
Tiff thought about if for a while and agreed. "Like, I do understand you, Legolas. And in a way, I think you're right. I don't like this climate anyway! I wanna go back to Hawaï, and, like, pursue an acting career!"  
  
"You go girl!", said Faramir, with a sniffle.  
  
"I agree with Faramir. Now let's head to the Misty Mountains and send those Mary Sue's back to where they came from!"  
  
They shared a group hug and disney music started playing in the background. "Since when did we appear on a contract with Disney", asked Legolas.  
  
"Never. But doesn't the music make you wanna cry? That's what this moment is all about. And Legolas, is it true that you have really changed? You seem a lot wiser and not so superficial."  
  
"I guess. But it won't take long before my ego grows and I'll be wanting those fangirls again! So hurry, let's get there real soon before I change my mind!"  
  
The Disney music abruptly stopped and after their lunch they continued their journey.  
  
"Erm, like, guys, wouldn't this journey take us, like, forever, before we'd be at the Misty Mountains?"  
  
"I suppose you're right, Tiff. Any suggestions?", said Legolas.  
  
"I suggest we start running reeeeally fast!", said Faramir.  
  
"No, stupid, that way we'd be tired even sooner!"  
  
"Shut up, you still think more highly of yourself don't ya!"  
  
"Guys!! We had it going on, like, a real fellowship. Like, don't ruin it now alright?", said Tiff.  
  
"I suggest we take some horses. But where can we find those? Why didn't we take them with us in the first place?", asked Legolas.  
  
"Because, we're stupid.", answerred Faramir.  
  
"True", said Legolas and Tiff both.  
  
"I like, know, guys! I'll orb us to a place nearby. Like, I can totally recharge my battery that way, before we have to battle against those evil Fangirls!"  
  
"You sure, Tiff? I wouldn't want anything to happen to you.", said Legolas. The Disney music started playing again, only this time it was a more sappy, romantic tune.  
  
"Would somebody stop the bloody music! Friggin' hell!", yelled Faramir.  
  
Meanwhile, Tiff and Legolas were still gazing at each other with their big goo-goo eyes. Was it really true that they were genuinly falling in love with each other? Who knows. This story needs some twists, right, and some might say that we're running out of them.  
  
"Don't worry, Legolas. Like, I'm sure I'll be okay if we take a short pause now and then, like, we'll go to a place nearby, like I said and then we'll defeat all those monsters and then I'll never see you again..", she rambled.  
  
"Never say never, Tiff.", said Legolas.  
  
"But you just said that you'd send the fangirls back to their world. Be realistic, Legolas, you'll never see each other again!", Faramir said, interrupting their romantic moment.  
  
"Oh Faramir, why did you have to spoil our perfect little moment. I know I'll never see her again but I'd like to get laid before that happens!"  
  
Tiff heard that, and it stabbed her heart a million times. "You know, I, like, am still standing behind you!"  
  
"Fuck!", exclaimed Legolas.  
  
"Hey, this fic is rated PG-13, watch your words young man.", commented Faramir.  
  
Legolas didn't hear it, his eyes were fixed on Tiff, she seemed to run far away. Legolas' instinct got a hold of him and he ran after her, determined not to let her go. They needed her for this quest, didn't they? They'd be defeated in no time without Tiff. Besides, she was kind of sexy.  
  
Faramir ran after Legolas, because, he had nowhere else to go. He could go home but he wanted his fellowship to succeed their quest.  
  
"Wait up, guys!", he said.  
  
Suddenly, a dark feeling crept all the way into the three their minds. Legolas and Tiff knew the feeling and they abruptly stopped, which caused Faramir to slam into Legolas, and they fell. Tiff still stood strong, but not for long because she fainted.  
  
"It is as I've feared", said Legolas.  
  
"You mean that the horde of flying donkeys have arrived, and they want to rape you?", asked Faramir.  
  
"No! Far worse! The Pink Riders have arrived."  
  
"Are they sexy?"  
  
"Faramir! This is not the time to think about sex! We're about to die you idiot! And to answer your question, no, they're horrible actually!"  
  
Two Riders arrived and Legolas held his breath.  
  
"You two look like wannabe Nazgûls. But they've already died, together with the Dark Lord. Go back to the shadow."  
  
"First of all, Faramir, stop stealing lines from Gandalf. Secondly, SHUT UP COMPLETELY!"  
  
One of the Riders stepped forward.  
  
"No one calls us wannabe's! Prepare to die, Boromir wannabe, and his fellow companions."  
  
Faramir was very insulted by this, and a red fire seemed to glow in his eyes. He drew his sword and got ready to attack. "Prepare to die yourselves, ugly wannabe's! Pink is sooo overdone."  
  
Legolas took his bow, but several other Riders had already gathered. Before he knew it, he felt a piercing stinging pain in his left shoulder, and his bow fell out of his hand. His sight became black, in other words, he saw nothing more and despair filled his heart....  
  
Dun dun dun dun!!  
  
A/N : What happens next ? Read and Review, and be sure to checkout the next chapter! 


	7. What you gonna do when they come for you

A/N: The mocking continues! Mwuahahaha! I think there'll be two more chapters, including this one.. But we'll see.. Might do a sequel too, just to annoy the hell out of everyone. But enough is enough: here's the new chapter. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: Usual stuff. I own nothing yadda yadda.. Grammar sucks, but bare with me here..  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Legolas awoke and all was dark, and some sort of stench reached his nostrils. It smelled like rotten bodies mixed with perfume, which wasn't a good combination. His vision became unblurred and he saw a ray of sunlight coming from outside the chamber, it lifted his spirits immediately.  
  
His eyes gazed through the chamber and he noticed iron bars. 'Great, I'm probably locked in some kind of prison, or something', he thought. He could move his body freely, but his left shoulder hurt like hell. He noticed that there lay three other bodies in the chamber, two he identified as Tiff and Faramir, the other he didn't quite know.  
  
"Why are you looking at me, lad?", the voice asked. The man was tied up and eyed him suspiciously, Legolas could see this because the ray of sunlight reached close to where the man lay.  
  
"Nothing.. Who are you, if I may ask?", he asked, politely. He only did this because he didn't know who he was dealing with.  
  
"You don't recognize me? You're just as stupid as I remember. I am..", he stopped for a second to cough.  
  
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, king of Gondor!"  
  
"Hold the attitude there, Aragorn. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be ruling your kingdom?"  
  
"You snotty arse! You think I'm here for fun? I'm here because those bloody fangirls decided to kidnap me.. Or Pink Riders whatever they're called.. But I'm not quite sure why.. Heard some babbling about them wanting to take over Middle-Earth or something.."  
  
"They want to take over Middle-Earth? That's horrible!"  
  
"And on top of that, Gollum will sit on the throne. Can you believe it? It's my bloody throne, I bloody well claimed it! Not to mention, I thought he died, but he bloody lives!"  
  
"What are they gonna do with us, Aragorn?"  
  
"They said they'd kill half the male population, the other half will be made slaves. The female population will be put to a choice. They must become Fangirls by heart, or they'll be killed. Oh, and the prisoners will be forced to dance naked on fire, while acid will be thrown over them so they'll die a slow and hurtfull dead. Or something."  
  
"You're serious, aren't you?"  
  
"No, I'm bloody joking. Yes of course I'm serious you bastard!"  
  
"But I haven't got laid yet. I'm kind of horny.. Aragorn, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
  
"Well yes. My bloody throne! How horrible.."  
  
Legolas sighed. His little hint didn't work.. But then again there was no slash in this fic. "Don't you even care about Arwen, or your kids?"  
  
"I do. But my throne..", he continued whining like this, insert a couple of 'bloody's and you're done.  
  
"Oh my head! And I didn't even drink last night...! Where am I!", Faramir suddenly spoke up.  
  
"You're in the prison of those Pink Riders, lad. Remember any of them?", Aragorn asked.  
  
"Aragorn? Is that you? No, it cannot be. What are you doing here?"  
  
"Having a party. What do you bloody think I'm doing here, I'm captured."  
  
"Aragorn, oooh, you're so hawt!", Tiff spoke up.  
  
"Well, thank you love, you're not too bad yourself. Whoops, shouldn't be saying that. Arwen said that if I'd ever flirt again she'd cut my big willy off. Good thing she isn't here now, huh, mates?"  
  
"What's a big willy?", Faramir asked.  
  
"Oh, that's my pet name for my dick."  
  
Legolas giggled.  
  
"What are you chuckling about lad?"  
  
"You said dick!", Legolas, Tiff and Faramir all bursted out laughing.  
  
"So bloody what! Keep down the noise, or those Pink bitches will check on us."  
  
That made the threesome laugh even more.  
  
"What now?"  
  
"You said bitches!", and they were off again.  
  
"Are you deaf! Those Pink girls will come for us! Shut you're bloody mouth now!", Aragorn said, while shuddering.  
  
"Why, oh lord Aragorn, are you whining like a little brat? Is our mighty king affraid?", provoked Legolas.  
  
"Haven't you heard my story about what they're gonna do to us? Yes, I am affraid, you bloody shitbloke. I want my mother, if only she wasn't dead...", he sniffed.  
  
"Oh boo-hoo you fucking baby. My mother is is nowhere to be seen too, so what? It's not like she's superman or something, she wouldn't be able to help us.", said Legolas.  
  
"Shut up, you second choice. Be nice, or when this is over I'll ban you out of my kingdom, which is rather big I might add.", Aragorn added with a cheeky grin.  
  
"What do you mean, second choice? If I were you I'd shut up or otherwise..."  
  
Suddenly fear filled all four their hearts. One of the Pink Riders had overheard their conversation or so, and footsteps were heard aswell as a loud screach.  
  
"What you gonna do when we come for you...", Faramir sang.  
  
"Faramir, we know you're a big Will Smith fan, but now is not a good time, you know.", said Legolas.  
  
"Oops, sorry."  
  
"Guys, If I were, like, to die I'd like to say that it was a likeable pleaure working with you.", Tiff said.  
  
The Pink Rider was now a couple of feet away from the door.  
  
"How nice of you, Tiff. It's much better than your loud screams which make me wanna scratch my eyeballs out."  
  
"Oh, but like, I was gonna scream afterwards so, eh, sorry Leggy."  
  
Right after Tiff finished her sentence she screamed at the top of her lungs as the Pink Rider came into the dungeon. She seemed unharmed by the high tones of our beloved Tiff, while the three men were ready to commit a crime if the screams wouldn't stop. Unknown by our four heroes, Tiff helped the Pink Rider because now she could do whatever she wanted to do. No, not that, you pervs! The Pink Rider kicked Tiff against her head and she stopped screaming, and fainted.  
  
"Miss Pink Rider, I'm willing to go as far as you want me to go, if you'll release me..', Faramir said with a 'sexy wink', or so he thought.  
  
The Pink Rider paid no attention to him and grabbed Tiff while dragging her out of there. The threesome was quiet. Even Aragorn stopped whining about his bloody throne, you ask? Yes, even that.  
  
"If I hear anyone..", the Pink one began "I will like, make sure that they won't live to, like, see another day.. So yeah, like, shut up!"  
  
The threesome nodded, and Faramir let out a small cry. As soon as the Pink Rider came, she was gone.  
  
"Why did you have to let out that small cry you fucking baby!", said Legolas.  
  
"I'm with Aragorn here.. I want my mommy!!!", cried Faramir.  
  
"Shut your bloody mouth. If they hear us, they might kill your bloody king! Now you don't want that to happen do you?", said Aragorn.  
  
"But we do have to whisper.. Because we need to think up a plan, otherwise we're doomed. This is even worse than the war of the Ring! At least Sauron didn't want to turn us into sexslaves.", said Legolas.  
  
"Well he was an eye you know. Do you really think he became an eye for no special reason? Think, bloody think! This way he could enjoy the feminine beauty which covers Middle-Earth..", Aragorn added.  
  
"Your point is? We wouldn't be made sexslaves..", Legolas said.  
  
"Hate to burst your little bloody bubble there lad, but you do look like a girl."  
  
"I do NOT!"  
  
"Whatever you say... *cough*transsexual*cough*"  
  
"Guys, stop it! We need to come up with something.", said Faramir.  
  
"So now you suddenly act wise. I know what you want, you want to be the hero of the story, don't you? Well, it ain't gonna happen. I'm gonna defeat them with or without your help.", said Legolas.  
  
"I know something", said Aragorn "but I'm not sure if it's gonna work." "Tell us, oh great king", added Faramir sarcasticly.  
  
"You, you shut your bloody mouth or I'll kick you out of my kingdom, too!"  
  
"Oh yeah? How are you gonna do that, we'll never get out of here alive."  
  
"That's right.. Ok, let's put it this way then: I kissed your wife, and she bloody well liked it.", said Aragorn.  
  
"Stop the nonsense now or I'm gonna sing a serenade about my hair!", said Legolas.  
  
The two abruptly stopped.  
  
Without the threesome knowing it, two Pink Riders had come and they were opening the prison doors.  
  
"You know, my offer still stands!", screamed Faramir.  
  
It was too late. The two Pink Riders grabbed Aragorn and Faramir by their hair, which caused some threaths of Aragorn throwing them out of his kingdom, and some cries of Faramir wanting his 'mommy', while Legolas was being left alone. He tried to scream but somehow his voice didn't work.  
  
He was doomed and he knew it....  
  
Dun dun dun duuuun!!!  
  
A/N : I know the suspense is killing you, sorta *evil grin*. Be sure to checkout the last chapter which will hopefully be better than this one... 


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